Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
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[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
An odd boast
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
worst…sale…ever
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.