Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
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Looking at you, Jesus.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
For the orator and chef in all of us
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.