“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
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Sniffing the broccoli
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.