If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
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“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*