Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
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Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
My teenage children choosing violence
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*