Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
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Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in