Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
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Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES