Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
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my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
everyone’s a critic
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared