Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
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when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
do horses think humans are hats
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?