Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
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*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
*has no idea what a book even is*
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
WWE is French for “yes”
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
What a chick magnet..
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???