Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
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*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.