@GregDunbar1: Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@markleggett: When your parents held you as a baby for the first time, they secretly hoped you'd end up arguing with strangers on a celebrity's Instagram.
@ItsAndyRyan: Just misread a headline 'Trump wins big' as 'Trump bins wig'. I thought: 'about time too'.
@hadafewbeers: Whenever someone says "I don't have a horse in that race" I respond with "You don't have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes."
@Rollinintheseat: The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat