Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
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Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
me and the Superbowl rn
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately