*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
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Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”