I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
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On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
LMAO
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”