Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
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Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
You can’t rush stupid.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
There is no “we” in chocolate.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for