Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
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Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.