@zachheltzel: Never tell a psycho that they're psycho, because then they feel like they're obligated to prove it.
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@SincerelyMen: "Seize the day" in Latin is "Carpe Diem" ..."Seize the day" in Douchebag is "YOLO"
@_tomcrowley: it's been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can't get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
@okayestgoalie76: Me: "Siri, find me the nearest Starbucks" Siri: "the addiction hotline is..." Me: "no, I said...." Siri: "Oh, I heard you!"
@INDlAN_: [describing robbers to sketch artist] Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.