Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
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After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.