Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
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getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
You had me at “define legal”.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it