Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
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Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters