“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
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I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*