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@DaddyJew: Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
@ChickenColeman: Atheists swear they not going to hell just cuz they don't believe in it. nigga I don't believe in having a job but I still go to work
@Mike_Bianchi: It's unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I'm willing to go through for lactose.
@sageboggs: "Are you sexually ac-" [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
@ocourtneyno: When you accidentally type "me" instead of "my" I read your tweets as if you are a leprechaun.