@DaddyJew: Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
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@XplodingUnicorn: [Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV] 3-year-old: I hate this show. Me: What's wrong with it? 3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
@VaDawn13: Dear Restaurant Managers: If more than 3 employees ask me how I'm enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don't know.
@FatherWithTwins: 4yo: What do you love most in the world? Me: You & your brother 4yo: Oh Me: What about you? 4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies Me: Oh
@AmishPornStar1: "I'm here for the hookers and the booze!!!" "Sir, this is a library." *whispers... "I'm here for the hookers and the booze."