Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
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Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
oh u like geography? name every lake
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Guy who likes music
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.