never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
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My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow