@Hello_Bella: Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
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@BestestNerdDad: When dating, I only have 3 dates to get a woman hooked on me because thats how many nice shirts i have.
@LaziestCanine: "911 what's your emergency" IM DYING "what happened" I GOT STABBED LIKE 3 TIMES "lol pics or didn't happen"
@JennyJohnsonHi5: One way to find out if you're old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you're young, if they panic, you're old.
@CrashTestDrummy: A Jehovah's Witness followed me. I think I'll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes...