Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
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If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Love is always patient and kind.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Mouse
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.