@Hello_Bella: Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
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@davedittell: UNICORN: I love the forest! I love my horn! Life is wonderf— [Pegasus flies over chased by babes] UNICORN: God why have you forsaken me
@Brampersandon_: FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down ME (having panic attack): sorry I've never flown before PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
@Social_Mime: Either the guy in the waiting room just sneezed or was shot four times by invisible bullets.
@briancthayer: [exchanging vows] HIM: I'll love you forever. HER: I'll love you until you leave me a voicemail. HIM: Wait, what?! PRIEST: No, that's fair.