Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
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The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.