Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
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If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”