I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
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If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
.. do you even science?
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*