Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
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writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
🤣😈🤣
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.