@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
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10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”