@sammyrhodes: Never understood Monopoly. It's like saying, "Hey we're stressed out about real $, so let's play a game & get stressed out about pretend $.
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@Marlebean: I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine's day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
@NicestHippo: [serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
@LordofScribble: Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Slap a man with the same fish and the video will go viral in under 48 hours. #Truth
@KateWhineHall: Tom's of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don't mind spending a little extra to smell like you don't use deodorant.