@sammyrhodes: Never understood Monopoly. It's like saying, "Hey we're stressed out about real $, so let's play a game & get stressed out about pretend $.
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@DavidAndRobShow: Bae: come over. Me: I'm doing the podcast. Bae: come over. Me: nah, I'm doin the podcast. Bae: my parents are out. Me: they can download it.
@XplodingUnicorn: I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
@TheWoodenslurpy: It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.