King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
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I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Chicago sounds lovely.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment