So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
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Watermelon Boss!
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Damn what did I do next