#NeverForget
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Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.