[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
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Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Pikachu found the lost joint
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”