In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
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me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it