5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
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What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
This kid is going places
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾