[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
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I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…