My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
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Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
it’s finally my moment to shine
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no