Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
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My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
my one true gender
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now