New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
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Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Oh yeah that’s it
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola