New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
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Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.