My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
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medusa but her hair is an anaconda
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????