New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
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Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.