New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
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No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Do one person every day that scares you.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function