@PaperWash: New Year's Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
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@KentWGraham: We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
@sofarrsogud: [TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND] 'Oh yeah, I love to cook!' *removes salad from the microwave
@swiftenhaal: I'm only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I've always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
@ericsshadow: STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN'T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.