Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
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My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
my dog when i have a friend over