@BadLuckBrian_18: New Year's resolution is to stop drinking. Dies of thirst.
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@hippieswordfish: joe: siri address me as poopyhead siri: okay poopyhead *obama enters* barack: joe have you seen my phone? joe: yep here *runs away giggling*
@DurtMcHurtt: My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I'm going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
@TheBoydP: I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
@JamieGreenlees: I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying