Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
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The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends