Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
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When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”