NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
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What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
it was love at first sight
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.