NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
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there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?