NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
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Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift