@TheMichaelRock: News: Don't panic about Ebola, but please watch this nonstop coverage about how it could spread everywhere and kill you. Don't panic though.
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@sammyrhodes: Circle? Donut! Triangle? Pizza! Cylinder? Tater tot! - me teaching our 2yr old shapes
@OBiiieeee: Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we're gonna go pro.
@dhumann: Psychiatrist: "Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds." Me: "So how does that make you feel?"