Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
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My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Lassie, get help!
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.