News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
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Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?