News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
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My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
This chloroform smells expensiv…
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
When can I start eating bats again.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.